sex is never casual.

i do not have a broken heart. i dislike you. women are often stupid drunks. people believe what is told them, not the truth. is it wrong to want to know someone? i am an outsider. my brain hurts. i wanted to punch you for being everthing in humanity i hate.

we have got to stop killing, start loving.

from my bed, the world looks scary . . .

went to ann's party last night -- it was a good one. i dressed like a gay pirate and drank a whole bottle of rum (that was the drunkest i've been in ages -- funny how when i turned 21, i stopped drinking very often). i woke up this morning, not hungover at all, but feeling down anyway. the light came through my window a mixture of yellow and gray, like the world was on fire. i sat there in my bed, not wanting to get out, unable to think of a good reason why i should. isn't that one of the symptoms of depression listed in all those pamphlets?

"a heart that's full up like a landfill, a job that slowly kills you, bruises that won't heal, you look so tired, unhappy . . ."

i need someone good so bad.

where i am.

i am so lost, in so many ways. there was a time when i had a plan. lots of plans. but not anymore. when i got to college, i set my mind to allowing all of my assumptions to be criticized, examined, analyzed, deconstructed. now that i've accomplished that goal, there is nothing left to think. i've realized: a) there is no truth b) there are no facts c) people are basically shitty to each other and to the world and d) no matter how hard you work, and no matter how much you love, it will always, always be that way.

i used to see religion as a source of comfort. i can't anymore. when i was a kid, if i looked at a cross, i saw god dying for my sins. now i look at a cross and i see a wonderful man, betrayed and killed by people he did nothing to, except to love them. how is this a hopeful image? i can't take solace in philosophy -- i've learned how to argue for and against any position you can name. and there is no refuge in politics, only lies and power and greed.

relationships are never really functional. all people (except for a few mystics, saints, and sages) are controlled by subconscious forces beyond their control. our entire psychological landscapes are dependent on factors such as childhood experiences and environment, factors we can do nothing about. and so we are all wounded, and we bring these gaping, festering wounds into any relationship we enter into. and so we fuck them up, over and over again.

there are only two things that i'm sorta kinda sure of: a) there is a god, something greater than me that in some way unites everything that is and b) i have to do something to make the world better. i've only got one shot at this, and i'm only one man, but it's the only thing to do.

i'm just findin' my groove, gettin' my groove on . . .

wow, it's been quite a while since i posted. well, went to voodoo yesterday and it was awesome. i was nervous going in, as my last concert experience turned out to be . . . enh . . . not so good. but everything turned out all right. the polyphonic spree rocked. sonic youth rocked. cypress hill rocked. the pixies rocked. green day rocked. and, last but not least of course, the fucking beastie boys . . . rocked. saw a lot of people i know, of course, and the weather was beautiful. thanks.

the only thing i kept thinking, though, was "breton should be here . . ."

i've been thinking a lot lately about memory and experience. a memory is a real experience, yes, but it doesn't give the same emotional satisfaction as an event, ever. everyone always says cliche shit like "if you have good memories of someone, then they will always be with you." well, i sure haven't figured out how to make that work. when do we get to the place where memories can soothe?